How To Help - UK SAYS NO MORE

For friends, family members, colleagues and professionals.

It can be difficult to know how to respond to someone who confides in you about experiencing domestic violence, and you may not know how best to respond. Here is our guidance on how to offer up the best support to someone in need.

How to help someone experiencing domestic violence:

Believe what the victim is telling you – you may feel surprised, shocked or even find it difficult to understand how someone you know well is abusive towards their partner. It’s okay to feel this way – many abusers are masters at hiding their abusive behaviour but it’s important that you do not share your shock with the victim as it could be interpreted as disbelief.

Listen without judgement – you may feel that you need to understand why this is happening or why the victim is still with the abusive partner and there are many reasons why a victim may not be able to leave. It’s important to remember that the first step in leaving an abusive relationship is telling someone what is happening and how that person listens in that first conversation can either mean that the victim continues accessing support or withdraws back into the relationship as they felt that they were not believed, judged or their abusive partners behaviour has been dismissed with an excuse. There are NO excuses for domestic violence or sexual assault.

Signpost to support – following listening the next most important offer of support is the telephone number or details of a specialist support service. The specialist service will be able to support the victim to leave the relationship, in the safest possible way. The service will support the victim in contacting the police (non-emergency call), if this is what victim wants to do. The specialist service can also discuss protection orders, child contact and criminal proceeding and put you in contact with solicitors who can offer legal advice specific to victim’s circumstances.

If you are worried about a friend or family member, you can use the Bright Sky app to find your nearest support service, as well as work through a questionnaire to help determine if your friend/family member is in an abusive relationship. Find out more about Bright Sky on our Get Help page.

If you are supporting a male victim of domestic violence and sexual assault, there may be specific ways you can help them, or specific barriers they may be facing. Visit the supporting men page below for more information:

Supporting Men

It’s important to remember the following when supporting your friend or family member:

Do not make excuses for the abuser

You cannot fix the relationship.

You don’t know what’s best.

The victim understands the perpetrator’s behaviour better than anyone else. They understand what behaviour precedes a violent attack, they know the perpetrators routine – when the check-in phone calls will happen for example. They understand the networks that the perpetrator has and then the likelihood of them being followed and found by the perpetrator. Due to this it is imperative that the victim and their views, opinions and suggestions sit in the centre of any safety plan.

Getting involved doesn't mean it's your problem to solve.

Don't expect there to be a quick fix for solving domestic abuse.

Do not suggest that a victim changes their behaviour - for example how they dress or who they speak to.

Avoid advising that removing themselves from social media will stop the abuse.

Social media is a communication tool which, along with its many negative aspects, allows many people to feel connected to their friends and family,and part of something bigger than themselves (online community) and may help with loneliness and isolation. It is important to discuss online safety, changing privacy settings on social media accounts, turning off location finder (cellular data) on social media accounts, smart phones and tablets.

They may return to their abusive partner.

Sometimes those who experience domestic violence return to their abusive relationships. There are many reasons for why a victim may feel that their only option is to return to the abusive relationship, and each is specific to the individual’s circumstances. For example: threats from family members, fear of the separation having a negative impact on the children – such as removing them from their friends, family and school and homelessness.

It is important that we try to understand why they are returning, and ensure that they can come back to you for support if they choose to leave, and make sure they know to call the police in an emergency situation and have the telephone number of a specialist domestic abuse service. You can refer them to the Bright Sky app, which has a UK wide directory of these services, searchable by GPS location, area or postcode. Find out about Bright Sky on our Get Help page.

Children are the hidden victims of domestic abuse.

Supporting the victim to leave an abusive relationship safely is incredibly important, and often the welfare of the children is the reason why a victim will leave an abusive relationship. It’s important that you start the conversation about the impact of domestic abuse on children, and that support is provided for both the victim and their children.

It is also important that we refrain from making comments such as, ‘they cannot keep themselves and the children safe’, as this implies control over the abuse that is being perpetrated against them, and often sounds like you’re blaming the person experiencing the abuse instead of supporting them.

That being a good parent means not being abusive to their children’s other parent or step-parent.

There is a common statement that is often heard in the family courts across the United Kingdom and that is: ‘the abuser was/is only abusive to their partner and the actually they are a good parent to the children’. The reality is that all children living or part-time living in a home where domestic abuse is occurring is witnessing and experiencing abuse, and these factors need to be taken into account when making decisions regarding contact and residency.

Women’s Aid, in January 2016, launched their Nineteen Homocides report alongside the ChildFirst campaign, telling the stories of 19 children, all intentionally killed by a parent who was also a known perpetrator of domestic abuse. “These killings were made possible through unsafe child contact arrangements, formal and informal. Over half of these child contact arrangements were ordered through the courts.” Find out more.

Barriers for all victims of abuse to accessing support

We can change this by believing the victim, listening without judgement and offer support.

Fear
Shame, guilt
Feeling hopeless
Not being believed
Practical issues such as; accommodation, schooling and financial arrangements
Unaware of the support available
Fear of being unable to access support due to immigration status
Pressure from family, friends, religious institutions and the community
Gender inequality that exist within society

Barriers for male victims of domestic abuse

Not recognising the behaviour of abuser as abuse
Embarrassment ridiculed by friends and family members
Fear of wrongly being identified as the perpetrator, therefore afraid to call the police
Concerns about masculinity and sexuality
Assumption that only women can experience domestic abuse and that only men can be perpetrators of abuse
Limited specialist support services

You can also find details of our nonprofit partner organisations, who work across domestic violence, sexual assault, mental health and more. Visit our Partners page here, where you will be taken to each organisation’s website by clicking their logo.

Get Help "Why don't they leave?"